Chapter 18 - Lily Reads Her Notebook
At fifteen, Lily asked for unicorn notebook.
It had been held in our legal files after CPS returned.
I kept sealed.
“You want?”
“Yes.”
“Why?”
“I remember pieces.”
We sat with therapist maybe.
She read.
Child handwriting.
Dad yelled.
Mom red face.
Grandma says don't tell.
She cried.
“I wrote all that?”
“Yes.”
“I forgot some.”
“Okay.”
Then:
“Did you know?”
“No.”
She looked angry.
“How could you not?”
“I was surviving minute to minute.”
She stood.
“That's not answer.”
She left room.
Teenagers can be right and unfair.
Later returned.
“Sorry.”
“You don't need.”
Then:
“I was six and I knew.”
That hurt.
“Yes.”
“You kept saying okay.”
“Yes.”
“Why?”
“Because I thought saying otherwise made things worse.”
She cried.
“Did you stay because us?”
“Partly.”
“I hate that.”
“I know.”
Then:
“We didn’t ask.”
“No.”
This mattered.
Victims often say stayed for kids.
Kids can feel burden.
I corrected.
“I stayed because I was afraid and because I made choices based on many things. You did not make me stay.”
She nodded.
Then:
“Dad says same?”
“What?”
“That we’re not reason.”
“You can ask him.”
At next visit, she did.
Richard:
“I used you as excuse to control Mom. You did not make her stay.”
Good.
Then she asked:
“Why write girls useless?”
He cried.
“I thought manhood required son.”
“Stupid.”
“Yes.”
Then:
“Do you still?”
“No.”
Then:
“Would you rather I was boy?”
“No.”
She stared.
“Would old you?”
Richard closed eyes.
“Yes.”
Brutal honesty.
Then:
“I’m sorry.”
She left early.
No punishment.
Weeks later returned.
Then Sophie.
At thirteen, she had fewer memories and felt guilty.
“I hugged Dad when Lily wouldn't.”
“Okay.”
“Does that mean I love more?”
“No.”
“Less loyal to Mom?”
“No.”
Children divided.
We repeated.
Then Richard's new relationship.
He met Carla Reed, nurse in outpatient rehab? Keep not connected to prison. They met through mutual coworker.
He told me via parenting app only because she would meet girls.
I asked background safety, court rights.
Carla knew conviction.
Before meeting girls, evaluator.
No concern.
Girls liked.
Then I had feelings.
Jealousy? Maybe not romantic. Anger that he could have normal.
Therapist:
“Consequences do not require permanent misery.”
I hated.
Then accepted.
He married Carla when Lily seventeen, Sophie fifteen.
Small.
Girls attended.
I did not.
Good.
Then Carla became pregnant.
A boy.
My stomach dropped.
Richard told girls before public.
Then through parenting app message:
Carla and I are expecting. We wanted girls to hear directly. We know this may raise feelings. I will not refer to baby as what I always wanted.
That phrase.
Still.
Lily came home furious.
“Of course it's boy.”
Sophie cried.
“Dad will forget.”
I said:
“Let's watch behavior.”
Richard invited them nursery.
No “finally.”
No family name speeches.
He asked Lily choose paint.
She refused.
Sophie chose green.
When baby Daniel Jr? Better not name after self. They named Owen.
Richard told girls:
“Owen is your brother, not replacement.”
Good.
Then Margaret met newborn.
Could she repeat son obsession?
She said:
“First grandson.”
Lily overheard.
Her face changed.
Richard immediately:
“Mom, stop.”
Margaret apologized.
Progress.
Then I met Owen only later at school event? No need.
I did not need relationship.
But daughters loved little brother.
That was okay.
Then the Y chromosome memory returned.
I cried one night.
Not because son.
Because what could have been.
I allowed.
Then my own life.
I had not dated seriously.
At 45, I met Mark Davis? Could leave.
No need romance to complete.
I liked independence.
Then one medical appointment.
Routine mammogram? Maybe.
The receptionist asked emergency contact.
I wrote Amy.
Not Richard.
No feeling.
Then question:
“Do you feel safe at home?”
I answered:
May you like
“Yes.”
This time truth.
